It’s not everyday that you make it into the top 10. Not meaning to brag, of course, but pay special attention to number 10.
Top 10 Causes of Global Warming
1) Power Plants
6) Oil Drilling
7) Natural Gas Drilling
10) Volcanic Eruption
In an unrelated news story, local Saskatoon resident Ron Schellenberg was congratulated by Saskatoon Mayor Don Atchison. “In an area not known for its volcanic eruptions, we are especially proud that Mr Schellenberg has put us on the volcano map.”
According to un-named sources, Schellenberg has been spewing noxious gasses for approximately two months.
“Yes, it’s fine for Atch to brag him up,” stated Schellenberg’s long-suffering spouse, “but he doesn’t have to live with him. You wouldn’t believe how many clothespins I need to make it through the day. It’s also not fun having SaskEnergy in every other day to check for neighbourhood gas leaks.”
Schellenberg’s children have also suffered. “It used to be that just his jokes stank,” stated one. The other said “My friend’s nose hair was somehow chemically burned. I’m an outcast.”
One neighbour, meanwhile, had to be rushed to emergency after an unfortunate BBQ accident. “I hadn’t even turned on the propane,” complained the man. “I just lit a match, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the ambulance. The man is a menace. A menace, I tell you!”
With the number of complaints rising, Mayor Atchison stated “As proud as we are, we may have to call a special counsel meeting to discuss the issue. We are hopeful that we can perhaps harvest the methane to power some critical, city-run utilities.”
Again, in an unrelated story, the city waste collection plant has been working overtime.